Erased

I really didnt want my blog to be another one of those, "today i went for a walk and i bought this and that and this person called me" but i guess it cant be helped. I wished for things to go back. They did. But i overdid it. Its kind of funny actually...I was sent to West exactly a year ago, this very month...maybe even the same day, i cant remember. Anyway, my wish was granted and im going back to Central. Its like it never happened. Its kind of creepy...its like we never met... Hmm...makes you think. Ive started to work out recently. I have a plan for once. This doesnt feel right, doesnt feel natural..but it will have to do. for the moment. It was a fun year, but its in the past. I have a second shot at this, at a normal life... not many people get second chances. My break is over, its time to get to work. Time to show the world.

took a test

i passed

Forced pleasure

im sick of these pills. I used to get these bursts of energy now and then. They were special to me. They were special because they were so rare, and only certain people triggered them. Only when i was given a hint, did these bursts happen. The medicine im taking, its sickening. I feel the same all the time. I feel great all the time, its this wonderful feeling but im tired of it. Im clueless now. Its not special anymore. Its starting to hurt. Forced pleasure. sickening.

DVNO

i got out of that place today. I was there for about a week (6 days). Ive been given anti-depressants...so im not sure wether or not i should keep posting since, its not really me talking...or is it? I cant decide if this is the old me or if this is a new me. I was pretty positive back then but, with the meds, idk everything just seems..fixable? I have alot of things i gotta fix and for a time i thought i couldnt, but now, the impossible does not exist. Im not saying im going to fix everything, of course theres gonna be times when things dont go as planned, but now...idk its not that i dont care, its just that, im not that worried about it. Maybe this is the way its supposed to feel...or maybe its not. I feel better, but at the same time..i feel..weak? Its like, everyone seems more comfortable around me, they're much nicer, but is this what i really want? is this what i need? I thought suffering was a gift, but maybe i was wrong. Maybe you dont have to suffer to experience and learn. Maybe i got it wrong, but then i ask myself. Who is speaking right now? Me or the meds? I dont feel much different, to be honest, i dont feel as if anything has changed. actually nothing really has. All of my problems are still there. its just this "motivation". I have different eyes. pale blue. Calm, relaxing and comfortable...do i miss my dark scarlet ones? Of course i do, but its nice to wear something different for a change. Its been a long journey. Cheers. oh and i almost forgot. I was in love. isnt that something? Me, ed, in love with a guy. haha, thats great...first loves..always a mess...for a time. I should try to acutally talk to him in person...why not?

so im in some kind of group home or something. i think they said it was a place for at risk teens. (lol). I told them about me wanting to "hurt" myself and they took me to the hospital. I was there for a few hours then i was taken here, in an ambulance...it was pretty interesting. I think i needed this. Not being locked up with these kids but remembering what i posess and being thankful for it. I gotta go