Repeat It

One of those lovely nights, when you realize so many problems could be solved if you were dead. So many problems fading away with you into the night. I know suicide is frowned upon, but in my shoes, its for the best. I've ruined so many lives, its not even funny.

Foreshadowing

nightmares. dead nightmares. You know the ones where you wake up and, you just feel dead. Ive lost control with my lucid dreaming, im lost in the dream...except these dreams are different. All of my dreams, even my nightmares used to be really colorful, you could see all shades, dark blues, reds and greens, even black and white looked alive. This dream was colorless..hazy and scratchy...like a movie. Well there were two actually..both times aaron called me just when i was about to die in the dream, why i could hear my phone vibrating across the room both times im not entirely sure, but im glad i woke up. mindless violence..not just by humans but by animals aswell. This is one of those nights, when theres no sound, you cant hear the wind, the dogs in the neighborhood, the night is so quiet you feel as though time has stopped. i wonder what it meant. A dog, A wolf, and a fox. a corpse. a walking corpse. it was a woman, i could tell she used to be pretty...used to. i dont know what happened. i could of summoned an inferno, blast her away into dust. i could of at least binded her..but i couldnt even stop her from coming in. Its still just a dream. I remembered someone saying "Reality is a prison" and i replyed with " a special prison. It keeps the bad things out" ...i know why i said that. As tedious as reality is, it still better than the other place. Ugh, i wish i had just stayed inside. Why did i leave the fortress? why couldnt i be as ignorant of the outside as the majority? I regret going out. Now i know whats out there, and its only a matter of time until those walls break. I really hope i die before that time comes, but that would be a cowards wish, and i know better. I just hope..i dont even know anymore. I hope i can handle it.

the big explosion

The snow is melting. 2010 is at its end. This is the fifth day that i see the sunrise and the sunset, and im tired as hell. Im running on caffeine, and im not liking it. Well i kind of am, i could fall asleep right now, just for a few minutes...nope. i want to start something new this year. Like a new hobby or maybe a sport. I want to try archery, or maybe track. Things that will be useful in the upcoming years, not that i believe the world is going to end, but you never know when a virus breaks out, a zombie apocalypse starts and you cant run a mile. Arrows are reusable, bullets are not. I was actually thinking of boxing but i need to get fit first. So many things i want to do, but ill probably just end up doing nothing lol. Its really nice outside, the sky is bright blue, the sun is magnificent, but the air, although fresh, is just too cold. Excuses, i know, but i really dont want to start the year with a cold. I was starting a comic, but im not feeling very creative right now. I wanna go swimming...hmm i think i might go to the gym today. yeah.

After the storm, the sun will shine

So here we are, back where we started. A little wiser, but still a fool. I'd love to talk about what was going on in my head while i was drunk but its not really interesting. I was pretty much just careless, living in the moment, the future completely obscured by the warm ecstasy that ran through my veins like a bold stallion. Even though i was pretty much clueless, i still had my other working behind the scenes. For 30 minutes I convert. For 1 hour I become. For 2 hours I crumble. For 4 hours I indulge. It was a pretty fun experiment, something Id love to try again in the future but something that is best left for special ocassions. As for the moment, i feel pretty good. While in the drunken state, my mental defenses were down and my other was able to break the bindings that held his energy, then they were stored in the pendant that i had been working on for the past couple of days. I think im ready. no. I know im ready. I can go back now. How does it work? Its just a simple protection pendant but i stored some of my energy on it (for control) and then i used his energy to create a shield. Its kind of like, using his own energy against him. Sort of like a magnetic field around me but it only affects his energy, meaning he cant influence me and i cant influence him. Im going to miss him though, i know he was a pain in the ass but he made everything else fade away. Oh well... this is for the best. Im changing my classes too, just because i cant feel him anymore doesnt mean hes not there. Im thinking of joining art, and im not entirely sure if i want to change my lunch period yet. ill think of something.

....really?

wow..are you fucking kidding me? lol

is t kicking in the frunk and yeah

i thinks its woking now. cause it deels weird nad ebeyrthing is funny for some reason and its really slow. i am fing to talk abotu my feelings but i dont knwo if i sihl. ia nt to receonmd myself but i hadve no batterirs on my careme. i waonder if i can like think of sutff and noth thikn about sonceswu. i shoukd stip cause i ma tyues and i want tso talk abotu mte. but i cant causer then u lauigh at me and ui dont ant u to laugh at me cfar that feels badf and i dont lik efeeling abfh its baf. i dont think he is crayzx i am carzu but i know he ns caura. i shoudl got ro slepe but i cant cayse tis feels abowesm. and i want to feel this all fay. i should get dubk more . cayse its cool lol. imsorry bif u cant undesrtand but i just condt care anymore lol. i feels awesome lol. i like beer now it makes eveything more cool .

getting drunk

once a year im allowed to drink beer. Every year, i have refused. Not this year. This year its different. It still tastes like piss but now i have a reason, an excuse, to get drunk. The bad thing is, im not drunk. im not forgetting him. Or am i? i dont know. My body just feels very warm and im really sleepy. not tired. i just want to close my eyes and enjoy the peace. I wonder if im drunk. Im not tipsy, which is what i was going for. My vision is the same. Im thinking like i usually think. Although when i think about him, i feel nothing. Its like whatever. I really dont care about much right now. Im just typing. I wonder if im drunk. How do i know if im drunk? isnt the world supposed to be spinning? i dont feel much different. 8 beers 5 tequila shots, 2 margaritas and nothing. I dont feel drunk. This sucks, i wanted to pass out. I wanted to forget. Im not happy or sad, to be honest i really dont feel anything. just calm and peaceful. When i close my eyes, ah i dont want to open them. Feels great. But then theres my willpower. I just have to think *wake up* and there i am, the same as always, except my body feels so warm and calm. Am i drunk? i dont think so, i mean i can recall everything...well this sucks. I wanna go to sleep, but im holding back. I wanna see how far i can take it. I wanna take a walk outside and sleep on the ground. thatd be awesome. nah, its too cold. my god, my hands are so warm. I wanna sleep. just for a few minutes. dude, I am so warm.

life goes on, your mind stays behind

its late but i cant sleep, well i can i just dont want to. Things are changing, my wish for a more interesting life is quickly joining this reality and im starting to regret it. Lately ive become more aware of the spirit world, which has made me pull back from reality. Ive become slow and dumb, it takes time for me to process the rational and im beggining to worry my family and friends.Nothing bad is happening to me..at least i dont think so. I just need some time to think, maybe find..hell i cant even remember what i was looking for. It gets pretty lonely out here, most people frown upon spirituality. Leave it for the children and the mentally unstable they say. Sometimes i wish i could find someone like me, but i know that it probably wont ever happen. I change too quickly. I contradict myself constantly. I really dont have a specific belief or goal, they just come and go. If they interest me, i keep going, if not ill leave them for some other time. Sometimes i can barely withstand the chaotic energy i get from my surroundings and sometimes its so quiet, that it feels as if everything is dead. Maybe thats why i looked in that direction. When i shift into his level, everything is so full of life, its in constant motion, but its surrounded by harmonic peace. But why? I mean i saw him everyday for 4 months and i didnt feel anything, It started the first day of this school year. Something happened to him. Or maybe something happened to me? i cant really remember anything interesting that happened to me this past summer. No, he did something, im not entirely sure what it is yet, but he changed something. only time will tell. That is if time is on my side, because the way things are going, i might not have much time left. Maybe hes just unstable, maybe he cant control his energy yet. But then again...you would need motivation and control to do those things. I wish i had a clue, but all i have are dreams, and dreams are hard to figure out. Sometimes i wonder if i could just be in love as most people have told me. Im not entirely sure either, theres a part of me that believes it and then theres the other part that. Could i love a man? does gender really matter when such strong feelings are at play? It does to most people. just another barrier. a barrier that im not ready to break. its easier to hate someone than to love them. Do i hate him? i dont know.

Tylernol Overdose (lol)

Weird things have been happening lately. Alot of strange coincidences and unfinished connections have been invading my personal space. I know its extremely immature to blame my life's problems on someone else, but i can't help but wonder if he has something to do with my recent struggles. I mean, I know he probably doesn't even think twice about me, but idk, something's not right. Perhaps he can manifest his thoughts like me. Just a bit more efficiently than I, since i seem to suck at it. I mean, Mackey wouldnt say something like that, at least not with that word usage. And why is everyone getting together and sitting at the front, leaving me a good 5 empty rows behind? My Lit teacher starting a lesson about heaven and hell then asking me about my trip to the underworld (im hoping it was a joke) The kids in math trying to "jokingly" cut my hair with scissors even though my hair is extremely short? (the symbolism of scissors) Why did the counselor say that? just the right combination, perfect timing to make me feel. She never used to do that. Then there was that smile. It wasnt a normal smile, I've seen him barely move his lips to smile and that day it was an enourmous grin from ear to ear. A mocking smile. Then there was the anonymous call to my family about me being taken to jail (wtf i know). To atlanta, the place i was thinking of going a few weeks ago to run away (no real reason, something just kept telling me to run away) and the place i visited today. These "coincidences" only seem to happen when im feeling "depressed". Maybe because im in between worlds and i can pick up energy more easily, or maybe because he only strikes when my defenses are down. Idk this is all just too weird, too crazy to be believed. What does he have against me anyway? I mean all i said was i wanted to know. maybe this is his way of telling me. Maybe this is his way of pushing me away. Maybe, just maybe i took it too far. I crossed the line and hes fighting the intrusion. But maybe...no..Hopefully im just being paranoid and nothing is going on, but then again...idk something feels off. Whatever, it doesnt really matter what happens next since the worst is in the past. Moving on is my next goal.