life goes on, your mind stays behind

its late but i cant sleep, well i can i just dont want to. Things are changing, my wish for a more interesting life is quickly joining this reality and im starting to regret it. Lately ive become more aware of the spirit world, which has made me pull back from reality. Ive become slow and dumb, it takes time for me to process the rational and im beggining to worry my family and friends.Nothing bad is happening to me..at least i dont think so. I just need some time to think, maybe find..hell i cant even remember what i was looking for. It gets pretty lonely out here, most people frown upon spirituality. Leave it for the children and the mentally unstable they say. Sometimes i wish i could find someone like me, but i know that it probably wont ever happen. I change too quickly. I contradict myself constantly. I really dont have a specific belief or goal, they just come and go. If they interest me, i keep going, if not ill leave them for some other time. Sometimes i can barely withstand the chaotic energy i get from my surroundings and sometimes its so quiet, that it feels as if everything is dead. Maybe thats why i looked in that direction. When i shift into his level, everything is so full of life, its in constant motion, but its surrounded by harmonic peace. But why? I mean i saw him everyday for 4 months and i didnt feel anything, It started the first day of this school year. Something happened to him. Or maybe something happened to me? i cant really remember anything interesting that happened to me this past summer. No, he did something, im not entirely sure what it is yet, but he changed something. only time will tell. That is if time is on my side, because the way things are going, i might not have much time left. Maybe hes just unstable, maybe he cant control his energy yet. But then again...you would need motivation and control to do those things. I wish i had a clue, but all i have are dreams, and dreams are hard to figure out. Sometimes i wonder if i could just be in love as most people have told me. Im not entirely sure either, theres a part of me that believes it and then theres the other part that. Could i love a man? does gender really matter when such strong feelings are at play? It does to most people. just another barrier. a barrier that im not ready to break. its easier to hate someone than to love them. Do i hate him? i dont know.