is this real life? lol

I cant decide. I have dreams. Human dreams. Theres so much I still want to see, but we all want things, and sometimes what we want isnt what we need. But what if im wrong? The thing is..im replaceable. Its the one thing i know for sure. Its been proven countless times. Theres nothing special about me, other than the BS that I come up with. I know there will always be someone whos smarter or stronger or w/e but I just cant ignore the truth that is thrown at my face every single day. Im average. Everything about me is average. Ive accepted that fact but I still feel the same..its not hopelessness, i know i can be successful if i try its just...is it envy? boredom? Its just the same thing every single fucking day..I want to be able to run my life. ME, not other people. I want to make decisions for myself; I dont want them made by some person i dont even know. Its pissing me off. I cant decide. The afterlife is so tempting...so close and yet..so far away. Is it the mystery of it all? the thrill? or am i just using it as a way to escape my reality? and why shouldnt I? Do i not have the right to be happy? Why stay here if i dont like it? I cant decide.